From where you're sitting, it probably looks like allies are a lot of fun: state dinners, rides around the ranch, big banquets when you're at their place.

But allies are actually a royal pain in the ass if you're president of the United States! You have to UNDERSTAND them, think about things from THEIR perspective, respect THEIR views and their "sovereignty."

Take Holland for example. One of our oldest allies. First of all you have to remember not to call them Holland but "the Netherlands" (what kind of a name is that?). And, as Colin told me, it's bad form to keep bringing the conversation back to windmills and dikes when making small talk with their head of state.

As if that's not enough to keep track of, you also need to understand the "complexities of their internal politics," as Colin says! See, I thought Holland was just some little pinko country. But then along comes this wonderful right-wing bald guy who looks like he's going to win their next election. "Great," I say, "that will be one less European country whining about my Israel policy!"

"So Dick," I say, "We support this guy, right?" But Dick says No can-do. Why? He's gay! Yes, a right-wing openly-gay bald guy running for president! That's how WEIRD some of these allies are! Shows how important it is to do your homework. And then some animal rights freak shoots this guy dead! The bald guy was named "Pim". His party is called "Pim's List". Their current president is named, "Vim" --yeah:"Vim Kok". No, I'm not joking.

So you see what I'm talking about? It's even worse in some other cases. How am I supposed to know that the coup in Pakistan was good, but the coup in Venezuela was bad? Complicated, complicated, complicated! That's why I'm putting my foot down and calling it off with ALL ALLIES!

To hell with them all! And to make this doctrine real, here is my Ten Point Plan to rid America of every last ally:

MY TEN-POINT PLAN TO
RID AMERICA OF ALLIES

1) Israel: I will toy with our strongest ally in the Middle East like a dog on a leash. I'll say Go!...push the Arabs into the desert! Then the next minute I'll yank them back. Before long they'll be buying their tanks from China.

2) Arab Allies: The beauty of Point#1 is that it will piss off our Arab allies as much as Israel. Saudi Arabia, Egypt, Morocco...this policy will FORCE friendly Arab governments to turn against us--otherwise they'll be faced with serious rebellions among their own people!

3) Latin America: 20 years of U.S.-backed military dictatorships was not enough! Why did I support a doomed and immoral coup in Venezuela? To drive away South American allies!

4) Mexico: While demanding that Mexico open up to the "free market" I will continue to sledgehammer its economy by giving MASSIVE agricultural subsidies to U.S. companies. These subsidies push millions of Mexican farmers into poverty--thus thwarting Mexico's new government's attempt to warm up to the U.S.. (Point#3 helps with Mexico as well!)

5) China: It may just be enough to keep publicly forgetting whether China is in the "Axis of Evil" or not. We were hoping that selling the Chinese government a thoroughly bugged 747 would do the trick, but they're still hanging on as an ally! We're considering landing a Marine Regiment in Tibet, as well as choosing new Chinese embassies to bomb by accident.

6) Canada: Our Northern neighbor. On the map they sure look big, but don't worry--there's only a million or two people up there. First, we'll continue to deride them for not doing enough to help with the war on terror even as we drop bombs on their soldiers in Afghanistan. Second, I'll continue to mistake their prime minister for a bowl of French fries smothered in Cottage Cheese every chance I get.

7) Europe: One word...KYOTO! But just to be safe we're also pulling out of many other treaties near and dear to European hearts such as the Accord on Biological Weapons and the International Court.

8) Japan: Simple...Presidential Puke, THE SEQUEL.

9) Russia: Oh geez, making your own doctrine is hard! I'm tired! Anyone want to lend a hand? Send me your ideas on ways I can drive away our last remaining allies!
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10) England: ????